I held the letterbox flap with two fingers so it would not clap. Shoes in my other hand, coat already on in a hallway that was not mine, the sort of pale hour when the street looks freshly washed. I had been invited. I still left like someone who had nicked a lighter.

That was my worst goodbye, and it taught me more about one night stand etiquette than any list I had bookmarked. The sex had been fine. What I still dislike is that I left him a mystery to wake up to.

One night stand etiquette, if you were raised with manners, is not a vanishing act. It is saying what the night is, then leaving water and a line.

This list exists because I treated quiet as courtesy. Quiet is how you turn a kind night into a story the other person has to write alone.

One night stand etiquette I actually keep

1. Say what tonight is, while a taxi is still an option

I once said I had an early start and then sat down on his sofa as if the start had been a joke. He heard I was staying. I had meant I was being polite about the time. Polite is a terrible translator. He made space on the pillow. I spent the next hour deciding whether I was allowed to want the door.

If you only just stacked the signs they want to sleep with you and the invite was the last hour, this is the next job. Not a speech. A fact.

Say it while you can still put a shoe back on without hunting for it. "I want tonight. I am not looking for a week." If they go quiet after that, you do not fill the quiet for them. Casual sex still needs that sentence. A one night stand is the shortest version of it.

If either of you is actually drunk, you do not have the night. A no has to be easy to say, not heroic.

You do not owe them a blank face. You owe them a night they can actually agree to.

2. During: condoms, and listen like they might change their mind

How to do a one night stand without being a pest is mostly admin plus attention. I used to save my preferences for people I already loved, as if a stranger had earned less of a say. A stranger has earned a clearer one. You will not see them on Sunday to sort it out.

I keep a condom in my bag now. I used to leave it to luck, then have the conversation from a position you cannot gracefully leave. Say you want one while you still have your jeans on. If they sulk, that is a full sentence about them. I have walked back down the stairs. The stairs were better.

First time sex with a new partner is still new, even when the arrangement is only a night. You do not owe them a performance of being good in bed.

Listening is the other half. I kept going once when he had gone quiet, because I thought stopping would make the night "not count." The night counted. He just needed a minute. Ask. "Do you want to keep going." Then stay with the answer.

3. Sleeping over is a decision, not a courtesy

I stayed once because asking for a minicab number felt like I was billing the night. I slept badly on a pillow that smelled of someone else's shampoo. In the morning we both performed a couple we were not. Neither of us had voted for that. We had voted for not wanting to look rude.

If you want to sleep, say you want to sleep. If you want to go, go while you can still find your shoes. Staying to be polite is how a night grows a morning it did not ask for.

Decide before you are too tired to think. "I am going to head off in a bit." "I would like to stay if you would like that too." Both are manners. The sulk version is lying down because standing up would require a sentence.

If they want you to stay and you do not, you do not owe them a sunrise as proof the sex was good. If you want to stay and they do not, you do not treat the taxi as an insult. I have done both. The taxi was kinder than the performance.

Ask about flatmates before anyone is undressed. I learnt about his when a kettle went on in the next room and I was still looking for my bra. That is a preventable hour.

4. If you leave, leave a glass and a line

This is the rule I keep because of that hallway.

I fill a glass from their tap and I put it where they will see it. I tear a corner off whatever paper is already on the side (a parking letter, a delivery card, the back of a gas bill) and I write two sentences. That was good. I have gone. Text me if you want to, or don't.

I do not write a review. I do not write a joke that needs a second night to land. I do not write "sorry" unless I am actually sorry for a specific thing, like knocking their plant. Sorry for existing in their flat after sex is not manners. It is a smear.

If there is no paper, I text from the pavement once I am outside. Same two sentences. Then I put the phone away.

The glass is not romance. It is water. People wake up dry. I used to think a clean exit meant leaving no trace. A clean exit means they do not have to wonder whether they imagined you, or whether they did something wrong while they were asleep.

5. The morning after a one night stand is not an audition

If you stayed, the morning after a one night stand is logistics with a pulse. Loos. Shoes. Whether the kettle is a shared object or a claim.

I have buttered bread in a kitchen I had no map for, with a familiarity I had not earned. He looked pleased, then slightly panicked, as if I had started choosing cups. I had. I was hungry and I was performing "I am easy in the daylight too." I would eat a biscuit and go, now, unless we have both said we want the long version of breakfast.

Do not raid the fridge like a housemate. Do not start a load of washing. Do not sit on the edge of the bed giving notes on the sex unless they ask.

A short true line is enough. "I had a good time. I am going to get going." Then get going. Hovering until the conversation runs out is how you both start filling the silence with a future neither of you ordered.

If you do not want a second night, do not book one out of manners. I have smiled my way into a Friday I already wanted to cancel. We both had to undo it later, and the undoing was worse than a clean no at the door.

6. If you bump into them in Tesco, be ordinary

I have seen a man I had been in bed with two nights earlier standing by the milk in Tesco, holding a basket as if it were a shield. I said his name. I asked if he was well. I did not recap the night next to the yoghurt. I moved on.

A hi is enough. No debrief in the aisle. The freeze is worse than the hello. I have done the freeze, half-hidden by a display of cereal, which is a poor use of a grown woman and a poor use of him.

If they look blank on purpose, you let them have the blank. If they want to talk, keep it to something that is not last night, then both of you have shopping to do. I have been tempted to be crisp and a bit cruel, as if daylight were a chance to win. Daylight is just daylight. Be the person you would want to meet by the milk.

The ones I retired

The silent exit. I retired it after that hallway. Vanishing is not discreet. It is a story you force someone else to finish. I still leave. I just leave a glass.

Staying so nobody feels used. Using someone is treating their body as a mood and their morning as optional. Going, with a line, is the opposite. I used to stay as a thank you. It read as a vote.

The paragraph. I have written the morning-after analysis of what we should do differently next time. He read it as a briefing. There was no next time. Two sentences. Then stop.

Pretending the night did not happen if you want a second one. If you want another night, say you want another night, with a day on it. If you want more than a sequel, that is a different conversation, and turning a hookup into a relationship is a daylight job, not a hint you leave on the side table.

FAQ

Is it rude to leave after a one night stand?

No. It is rude to leave as if you were never there, or to stay as a performance of gratitude. If you said it was tonight, leaving is you keeping the sentence. Tell them you are going. Leave water if you can. Rude is making them guess, at dawn, whether they did something wrong while they slept.

Should you text the next day?

Once, if you liked them enough to be a person in the morning. "I had a good time" is enough. If you want to see them again, put a day on it. If you do not, you can still send the kind line, or nothing, if the night was truly once and you both knew. One message. Then wait.

Do you stay the night?

Only if you both want the night to include sleep. I do not stay to be polite, and I do not treat going as a verdict on the sex. If you stay, you accept a morning. If you cannot face their kitchen in daylight, go while the going is still ordinary.

What if you want a second night?

Say so, with a time. "Thursday, if you are free" is a request. "We should do this again" is weather. A second night can still be only a second night. Say that too, if it is true. If you want a week, or a film, say the larger thing when the lamps are not the only light in the room.

I was raised to write thank-you notes. A one night stand still gets one. It just does not have to be a paragraph.